Alone!
by Jowaco
Summary: Twenty years; that's how long she's loved him, it's how long she's been married to him. But now it doesn't matter, because he's moved on and left her behind.


Alone! That's what I am right now; alone. The kids are out and my husband is working late; again. He's always there late; it's always been like this. But it bothers me more now; it bothers me now, because now, I know the truth.

The truth that tears me apart with grief, the grief that makes me want to hold a gun to her head and pull the trigger. That woman took my husband's love away from me and she doesn't even realize it. That woman spends more time with my husband than I do and it's not fair! I can't take this anymore; it's too much.

I'm crying now, I can feel the trails of heat and moisture they leave behind as they splash onto the picture that I'm staring at. The picture that I can never to put down; the picture I wish was happening now. The picture where the man I love loves me just as much and is resting his hands on my pregnant stomach. The picture where he's looking at me with so much love and admiration, it only makes me love him more; but it's no use. He doesn't look at me like that anymore; he looks at her like that now.

Why? Why do I still love him? Why do I still need him? Knowing he loves another woman; knowing that when he comes home and we have sex, he's thinking of her; I know this because his eyes are closed and he doesn't say anything anymore. He doesn't think I know what he's doing; but I'm his wife, of course I know. He's thinking about her. I don't get the phone calls anymore at night, telling me he's not coming home tonight, I don't get calls telling me he'll be late or the calls telling me goodnight, like he used to. But when he's home early; she does. She gets the calls I used to get and it hurts.

He vowed 'for better or for worse' to me. Not her; me. How am I supposed to carry on with my life, pretending that I don't know my husband is in love with another woman?

For years my eyes have been closed. For years I trusted my husband to love me; his wife the way he should. And for six years, he hasn't. Six years ago my husband got a new partner. When he came home he told me all about 'her' and I didn't mind. After all, a female detective is pre-menopausal and overweight so it didn't bother me; but then, but then I met Detective Olivia Benson and all of that changed. When he came home late he would fall asleep and I would check the clothes he wore, that's how worried I was. I asked him to request another partner I don't know how many times, but he never did he said he didn't trust anyone else.

Twenty years. We've been married twenty years; does that not mean anything to him? Have these twenty years not been as amazing for him as they were for me? Did I miss a sign that he wasn't happy? How could I let this happen? I should have done something to stop it, to save my marriage; I saw it coming. I saw it coming the second I saw his new partner six years ago and I did nothing; it's my fault.

My tears are falling harder now and I can feel the sobs shaking my entire body; it's too much.

"Kathy," the questioning voice of the man I love, my husband snaps me out of my gaze and I look up at him, still clutching the picture from twenty years ago. "Kathy, what's wrong?"

Slowly approaching me, I stood up and held out my left hand. My hand touched the centre of his chest and he stopped. A shaky, uneven sigh leaves through my lips as I desperately try to say something. "Elliot, I love you. I have for twenty years and I love you now the same as I loved you back then; but you don't love me like you used to," the words come out in a whisper, so quiet I'm not sure if he heard me. But the look on his face tells me that he heard every word.

"Kathy, we can fix this, you, me, we can go see a counsellor and be a family together," I can hear it in his voice as he tries to hold back the tears.

The smile that forms on my face is anything but happy and yes I'm going to leave my husband. But the saddest part of this whole situation is he doesn't know it. He doesn't know that he loves her now more than he loves me. I shake my head as a fresh wave tears begins to flow.

"Kathy," the desperation in his voice feels like a bullet ripping through my heart, "we can fix this."

Looking into his eyes, those blue eyes that used to hold a look of love and happiness for me are full of confusion and understanding. Shaking my head slowly I say what I'm dreading, what I don't want to say, but what I have to say. This is going to hurt me, more than it will hurt him, I can't pretend anymore. He still thinks we can save our marriage, but it's too far-gone.

I'm staring into his eyes again as those words slip slowly and quietly from my mouth, "It's too late Elliot," the look that crosses his face as I say it almost kills me and he wants to argue, but I continue before he can, "It's just, too late."

Based on the song 'I Know the Truth' from Elton John and Time Rice's musical Aida. I don't own these lyrics they belong to the above mentioned.

The lyrics:

Amneris:  
How did I come to this?  
How did I slip and fall?  
How did I throw half a lifetime away  
Without any thought at all?

This should have been my time  
It's over, it never began  
I closed my eyes to so much for so long  
and I no longer can

I try to blame it on fortune  
Some kind of shift in a star  
But I know the truth and it haunts me  
it's flown just a little too far  
I know the truth and it mocks me  
I know the truth and it shocks me  
It's flown just a little too far.

Why do I want him still?  
Why when there's nothing there?  
How to go on with the rest of my life  
To pretend I don't care  
This should've been my time  
It's over-It never began  
I closed my eyes to so much for so long  
and I no longer can

I try to blame it on fortune  
Some kind of twist in my fate  
But I know the truth and it haunts me  
I learned it a little too late

Oh I know the trth and it mocks me  
I know the truth and it shocks me  
I learned it a little too late  
Too late

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